awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
