Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
