I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
