somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
