you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
