oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
