You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
