Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
