I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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