I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
