I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
