i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
