while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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