I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
