There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
