just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
