I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My ass is underappreciated
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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