this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
