I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
