i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
