No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
