So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
