Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
