i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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