Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
