Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
