I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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