Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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