Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i came on her dog
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
