Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
