I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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