I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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