I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
