"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
