Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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