she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
