I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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