I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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