Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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