it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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