im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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