Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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