He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
