hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
