Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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