I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
