Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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