What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
