dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
