just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
